Press Release – Monday, April 1st, 2013
By Mike Maser
Handsome, evil, billionaire.
The Board of Directors for health-technology start-up “Dan’s Plan” announced a hostile takeover by wealthy entrepreneur, David Leibsohn. Very little information is publicly available on this mysterious billionaire, however, Techcrunch was able to locate the personal Pinterest account for Leibsohn which, disappointingly, reveals very little information about his interests. This takeover occurred late Friday evening when current CEO Dan Pardi was attending the Paleo FX conference in Austin, Texas. In an interview early Monday morning, Pardi stated:
Temporarily Stewart P. Formerly Dan Pardi
“I just didn’t see this coming. I immediately sought council but my lawyers can no longer represent me. Leibsohn purchased their firms the same day of the takeover as a strategic move to prevent a lengthy legal battle.” Mr. Pardi also stated, “Leibsohn now has rights to my full name, too. I can no longer use ‘Dan Pardi’ for legal identification. This is all very disorienting. I’m temporarily going by the name ‘Steward P,’ but that just doesn’t feel right.”
When asked what interested him to make such a bold and aggressive decisions, Leibsohn stated “I’m still not certain what Dan’s Plan does but I had a very large tax return this year so I just didn’t want to let that cash sit in my bank. After the paper work is complete, I’ll visit the site and see what I’ve purchased. I like owning stuff.”
CEO and President, as of today.
The incumbent Board of Directors is scrambling to understand what ramifications this will have for them. The very first move for current COO, Erik Svenson, was to order new business cards from Moo.com. He stated “I’ve been a part of deals like this hundreds of times during my days as an investment banker. Leibsohn needs to keep a few people around who have significant institutional knowledge of the former entity. I’ve learned that this a great opportunity to create whatever story you want for the new owners. This is why my new business cards say CEO and President.”
Dan’s Plan had recently released a corporate wellness program, and beta version of a novel weight loss program (the ‘Ideal Weight Program‘) that was designed in collaboration with researcher
Aspiring Reinsurance Agent
Stephan Guyenet, PhD., of the University of Washington. In a brief phone interview, Dr. Guyenet stated “my inside sources have told me Leibsohn is interested to turn the new company into a reinsurance agency for those with underwater mortgages – this is actually something I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid. I couldn’t be happier. Besides, Dave’s Plan is 1000x better than Dan’s Plan – it just works!”
Loves business that start with "D"
Techcrunch pursued outside commentary to shed light on this emotionally complex business situation from Dr. Steph Habif, member of the ‘Stanford d-School, a department dedicated to ethnographically chronicling companies that start with the letter ‘D (and sometimes y).’ Habif said “I was very excited to see this case cross my desk. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the hostile takeover of one ‘D’ company by another. This will undoubtedly become a cases study we will discuss across the ages.”
Mike Maser is an enthusiast and a recovering gluten addict. Mike earned a degree in BS by studying Strategery at George Bush University in Texas. He also has a masters degree in Life Coaching from Greystoke University, an internet college currently under investigation by the IRS. Once upon a time, Mr. Maser owned the world’s largest collection of Beta video tapes after he made a very large investment in “Betabuster Video.” Current, Mr. Maser writes a weekly column for Techcrunch entitled Paid4News; a column dedicated to taking money from start ups in exchange for writing boilerplate press releases.